A Sense of Settling: October Family Constellations
September: A sense of "Settling"
Hi,
I hope you enjoyed some of this lovely September? Mild temperatures, mild weather, day and night matching each other. I don’t know about you, but I find this time of year settling, especially after the dramatic heat of the summer.
And this month’s blog is about how family constellations can create a sense of “settling.”
People often come to this work having tried other forms of therapy as they are still unable to find the peace they are looking for. A family constellation does not aim to replace therapy; in fact it can often serve an existing therapeutic relationship. However, what it can do is reveal parts of your family system that may be contributing to a continued disquiet or unhealthy relationship pattern. This is why most people seek to do a family constellation.
Today, I am sharing a little about what guides a family constellation practitioner to help the participant find a sense of ‘settling.’
Family systems are organised around a number of guiding principles, ‘orders’ as Burt Hellinger called them. Here is a brief introduction to three of them – Belonging; Place; & Reciprocity:
Belonging – that every one in a family, no matter how notorious or neglected, belongs in and to the family system. When people are excluded, others in that system, sometimes future generations, can act in ways, often unconsciously, that attempt to reinstate the person that was excluded. For example, if someone did something “bad” and had been ostracised as a result, it is likely that others will follow that “ostracised behaviour.” This can be seen as a kind of display of unconditional love, an attempt at balance and to restore belonging to the system.
Place (or Order) – there is a particular place for everyone in a system. For example, new joiners have a different place than those who have been in for a long time. An older generation comes before a younger generation. There can often be a perceived imbalance when younger or newer people try and take on a role suited for a different place or order then their own. (Parentification may fall in to this category. This is when a child assumes the role of the caretaker in a family, often due to an illness or struggles that a parent may have.)
Reciprocity – that the expression and bonds of love are established and strengthened by a continued ‘give and take.’ The stronger the bonds, the greater the capacity for give and take. And this exchange does not always appear to be ‘healthy.’ For example, couples or siblings who fight are still trading insults, they are still balancing their connection. You may even have direct experience of how hard it is to walk-away when the balance is out of order, when you feel you are owed a ‘debt,’ or need to ‘repay someone.’ Conversely, a lack of reciprocity can also be the very thing that leads to a separation – the balance of give and take has become totally one-sided. Not following this order will break the bonds of family.
These orders can reveal how, and more importantly why, a person may be having a difficult experience in their present family or relationship. When these orders are out of alignment, it’s possible that the system, and indeed a person in the system, can be experiencing difficulties moving forward.
Participating in a family system can help reveal the state of these orders which can be a step toward finding a more settled experience to one’s main relationships, either with family or partners. As a caveat, the experience of a family constellation itself may not necessarily be felt as immediately healing. More to the point, they serve to help you recapitulate or reconceptualise your situation so that you may approach it differently, even helping you feel renewed to face your circumstances.
If you are curious to know more, or want to come and work on a specific issue, my next in-person session is running in Chagford on the 18th October 2026. For more info, visit my webpage here.
I look forward to seeing you soon.
In the meantime, enjoy the arrival of autumn!
October Family Constellations with Edward Nelson
Experience the magic of family constellations in Chagford, Newton Abbot TQ13 this October. Join Edward Nelson for a transformative day-long session to find new insights and gain clarity.
Accessibility & Support
A sliding scale is available.
We believe this work should be accessible to everyone who feels called to it. If you are interested but have financial concerns, please reach out to me directly to discuss our sliding scale options.
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